Free Fall
by linniestorm
Summary: A vignette from Oz's point of view set after New Moon Rising, regarding the break-up of his relationship with Willow. Settle yourselves down for some good, clean Oz angst.


**Free Fall**

TITLE: Free Fall  
AUTHOR: Lindsay Ince  
DISCLAIMER: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the property of Joss Whedon, 20th Century Fox, Mutant Enemy, and any other guys it belongs to. I only toy with them for my own amusement and it gives me something better to do than revision. No copyright infringement intended, and all that. I am being sincere ... honestly.  
ARCHIVED AT: http://www.envy.nu/manifest and http://www.envy.nu/phases  
DISTRIBUTION: Please e-mail me first. Simply so I know where its gonna be and I can come and look, and admire, and show my Mum. Thanks :)  
SPOILERS: Well, bits of Wild at Heart and New Moon Rising, Season 4.  
RATING: G  
SUMMARY: A vignette from Oz's point of view set after New Moon Rising, regarding the break-up of his relationship with Willow. Settle yourselves down for some good, clean Oz angst.  
FEEDBACK: I'll name my first born after you if you give some feedback. Please direct to e-mail address above. (chicago_heat@hotmail.com)  
  
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Pain. An odd sensation. I don't like it. I feel bad. Very bad. And the worst part is it's not physical. I think physical pain would be easier to deal with right now. I internalise way too much, I should really stop that; unfortunately I've discovered I'm not very good at articulating emotion. There's part of me inside that wants to scream, would it make the pain go away? I'm not sure, and besides, it's too dangerous. It's hard to control the pain ... but I have to. I'm not the guy I was when I met her. Literally actually, but that's beside the point. Or maybe it is the point, I don't know any more. I was always so grounded, sure of myself; quietly confident if you will. Then it changed. I met her and everything in my life changed. First it was wonderful, then not so wonderful. One thing I know is I never would have managed the transition without her, but it was hard on both of us, sometimes I forget that.   
  
Willow: "Well, I like you. You're nice, and you're funny, and you don't smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but...that's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month, I'm not much fun to be around either."  
Oz: "You are quite the human."  
  
It was the way she seemed to accept it, almost without question that amazed me, especially considering a few hours before I'd tried to eat her. I mean anyone else would have totally freaked out at the concept, never mind the reality. No, not her, she took it in her stride...almost. She just...dealt with it, joked about it, made it...normal. She made me feel normal, I never felt that with anyone else. With the world. Even though they had no idea about me, I felt like an outcast. She changed that. She changed me. Suddenly there was more in my life. More than the usual stuff. I wasn't just lead guitar in 'Dingoes Ate My Baby'. I wasn't just repeating a grade and gaining the awe of some of my fellow students for being a year older than they were, the automatic 'cool' tag. I wasn't just tolerated by her friends or casually accepted on the fringe, I was made a part of it. I was part of the group. Not even an in-group. an 'out' group. When I didn't know them, before I met her, they were whispered about in the corridors as they went past. There didn't seem to be any reason, nothing anyone could explain, they were just ... weird.  
  
Cordelia: "I doubt your doubt. Everyone knows that witches killed those kids, and Amy is a witch. And Michael is whatever the boy of witch is, plus being the poster child for yuch. If you're going to hang with them, expect badness. 'Cause that's what you get when you hang with freaks and losers. Believe me, I know. That was a pointed comment about me hanging with you guys."  
  
Then the cultural dance at The Bronze...and her. I had to know who she was, the most beautiful women I had ever seen. Under the Eskimo outfit, I mean. I saw her at school, a huge difference, she was kind of shy, frightened, afraid of doing something people would laugh at her for. But she was sweet, kind, brilliant. When the guys found out they ridiculed me for liking a younger girl, then they found out it was her and tried to talk me out of it. 'They're trouble.' That was the only reason. I always found that slightly odd, I mean they looked normal. Then, one of the most popular girls in school gave up her friends and started hanging out with them, I was intrigued. What was it that could be so bad?   
  
Oz: "Hey, did everybody see that guy just turn to dust?"  
Willow: "Oh, well, uh, sort of."  
Xander: "Yup. Vampires are real. Lot of them live in Sunnydale. Willow will fill you in."  
Willow: "I know it's hard to accept at first."  
Oz: "Actually, it explains a lot!"  
  
When I found out, it suddenly all made sense. The unexplained and tragic deaths, the attacks, the extremely weird looking people that used to frequent our gigs at The Bronze. Weirder than normal, I mean. It was hard to take in at first. Demons and vampires, it's like an interactive Ancient Civilisations class. Except more dangerous. And dusty. Certainly never dull. Then the goal posts moved again. There was a kind of politics to it. The evil was always bad, then Buffy fell in love with Angel, and the evil was always bad unless it had a soul. Whatever the evil was, we were always separate. It was always good against evil, human against demon, us against them. Then the lines were blurred. I blurred them.  
  
Veruca: "Or maybe you just don't want to admit what happened to you. Maybe you just wanna pretend like you're a regular guy."  
Oz: "Well, I am. I'm only a wolf three nights a month."  
  
Veruca: "Or you're the wolf all the time. And this human face is just your disguise."  
I know it wasn't my fault. It wasn't Jordy's fault either really, he's just a kid. And I suppose it's normal for him now, he's grown up with it, and Aunt Maureen and Uncle Ken seem to cope with it quite well. It's not as though it's wrecked my life, but it has made things...difficult. Especially with her. She tried her best to make it simple, to be understanding, but it's always been between us. It's this abyss we don't talk about, but it doesn't stop it being there. In the days after it happened, I thought a lot. Why me? Is it part of some overall plan? What possible reason could there be for me becoming a werewolf? What part in the eternal 'powers that be's plan is it that every month I turn into a growling, uncontrollable animal? Is it a test? I couldn't find the answer, and I tried damn hard to find it.   
  
Veruca: "You have a cage?"  
Oz: "Don't you?"  
Veruca: "Oh, yeah. It has a little wheel with a plastic ball and a cute little bell in it. God! Somebody's domesticated the hell out of you."  
  
It was Veruca that gave me the answer really. I mean, she was the same as me, but different as well. She didn't push away her werewolf side, she embraced it. She encouraged it, nurtured it. She accepted the evil. I never have. I've always been ashamed of it, tried to hide it, treated it as the abnormal part of myself. It's my fatal flaw, the aspect of my character that has the potential to make me a tragic hero. Sometimes I can identify with MacBeth, I mean, he may have had ambition, but that alone wasn't the reason he eventually died. It was his loss of control that did it, and that's what could be my downfall. The idea of accepting the werewolf inside is abhorrent to me. Not to her. She tried to make me like her. To be with her. It was for the first time I truly realised; I'm not a werewolf. Well, yes physically I suppose I am. But not consciously. Of all the people that actually know they are werewolves I'm not like Veruca, and those like her. I realised for the first time, if I wanted my life to revolve around more than just a monthly cycle, if I wanted a normal life, I had to take it back myself. I had to take action. I had to make sure I became more than just the werewolf.  
  
Oz: "Veruca was right about something. The wolf is inside me all the time, and I don't know where that line is anymore between me and it. And until I figure out what that means, I shouldn't be around you... or anybody."  
Willow: "Well, that could be a problem, 'cause people... kind of a planetary epidemic."  
  
That meant I had to leave, I had no choice. I couldn't stay, couldn't lead her on like that. When I thought about it, it wasn't fair. It would never work. Not unless I learned to suppress it. Unless I could become the man I was before all of this, and give her everything she ever wanted. I couldn't do that when I was subject to those dark forces I couldn't control. I had to become the master, regain my control, beat the wolf into submission. So I went away. It was hell to leave her, I didn't think I could do it. It seemed too hard. I almost talked myself out of it, she asked me if I really loved her. That she didn't know that I loved her completely, absolutely almost tore my heart out. That she thought it was because she did something wrong at all upset me. I was doing it for her. That was what kept me going, through everything. through every country, every city, every contact.   
  
Oz: "This warlock in Romania sent me to the monks there to learn some meditation techniques. Very intense. All about keeping your inner cool."  
Willow: "Good. 'Cause you were such a spaz before."  
  
It was difficult to concentrate on meditation when her image was in my head. In the end I had to push it away. For her good and mine. Every night I told myself I was doing it for her. Everything was for her, for us, for the future. The future was something I couldn't wait to happen. To be with her again, every day, to be able to hold her. To see her smile and hear her voice again. I lived for those moments. I couldn't wait to get back to Sunnydale. (which is in itself a novel concept, considering most people are trying to get the hell out) I practically raced back. It was only when I got there I started to think about it more carefully. What if she was still angry at me? She had every right to be after all I'd put her through. I couldn't bear it if she didn't want to see me at all. When I got to Giles' house I almost turned back, part of me didn't want to face her, face what she thought of me.   
  
Willow: "Some of it, you know, was me telling myself I hated you, and cursing your name. Not literally."  
Oz: "Well, thanks for that."  
  
When they opened the door, it was like stepping back into a time warp. Buffy, Giles, Xander, Anya; they were all there. And Willow, my Willow, standing there, staring. She looked at me, no shouting or screaming, which was a good thing. There was...silence. Then everyone started talking. Well, it felt that way. I just wanted all of them to go away. Just us left, me and her. She seemed calm when we agreed to talk. And it went well...considering what had happened the last few months. We talked all night, I finally felt things were going to be all right. For the first time in a long time.   
  
Oz: "I talked to Xander, and he said you didn't have a new guy."  
Willow: "No. No new guy."  
  
Then bang - everything crashed back to earth. It was like dodging meteors in some disaster movie. They pound down all around you and you're hopping from side to side to get away from them, but you know sooner or later there's no place left to hop. I could smell her down the corridor. I waited, expectantly, for that ginger hair to appear, those twinkling eyes, that beautiful smile. She didn't appear. I thought at first it was just her sweater, she'd let her borrow it, but the smell of her was too strong, I knew it was more than that. When I finally realised, I lost control before I had the chance to steady myself. I saw the wolf appear before I realised it. I couldn't control it. Not where Willow was concerned.   
  
Willow: "You stopped the wolf from coming out. I saw it."  
Oz: "But I couldn't look at you. I mean, it turns out, the one thing that brings it out of me is you. Which falls under the heading of ironic in my book."  
Willow: "It was my fault. I upset you."  
Oz: "So, we're safe then, 'cause you'll never do that again."  
  
After Riley rescued me, when I was alone and had time to think about it I understood at last. She brought out the wolf in me. My feelings for her were beyond anything I had ever felt before. They brought out my tenderest emotions and feelings. But it wasn't just that. She reached to my animal side. She consumed the passion and savagery that I try to keep so well hidden. The simple fact was - I really couldn't control myself when she was around. Physically or mentally, I couldn't maintain any sort of balance when she was near me. I'd never be able to give her any of the things she wanted in a 'normal life', she wouldn't let me. Not purposely, indirectly.   
  
Oz: "But you're happy?"  
Willow: "I am. I can't explain it..."  
Oz: "It may be safer for both of us if you don't."  
  
There is only one option. We have to have some time apart. I don't know how long, I hope, a short time will do it, I'm really not sure. I either have to learn to control it finally and forever or we have to part. I don't want that. I love her more than anything in the entire cosmos. I want to be everything to her. Obviously now I'm not. I guess I have a rival. Admittedly a rival I never thought possible. I guess that's college for you, it changes everyone. Everything has gotten so confusing the last few months, maybe time apart is just the thing we need to make us stronger. In the long run. Our relationship has changed so much since the days at high school, I think we've both veered off-track. Maybe it's best that we explore the paths we're on before we try and force them to converge again. Maybe they will join together at some point by themselves. God, I hope they do.   
  
Willow: "I feel like some part of me will always be waiting for you. Like if I'm old and blue-haired, and I turn the corner in Istanbul, and there you are, I won't be surprised... because you're with me, you know?"  
Oz: "I know. But now is not that time, I guess."  
  
Oh, I don't know. I can't think straight right now. I need time. Willow needs time. I hate to leave again. It's like hurting her the way I did last time, but I can't help it. Maybe next time I come back she won't trust me again, maybe she won't want anything to do with me. It's the risk I have to take. Deep down she knows I love her, and I'll be back, I could never stay away forever. I really couldn't. It tore me in two every day we were apart, and I know it'll tear me in two every day we are apart from now on. We're soul mates, destined for each other. I firmly believe that. I've known it since the first time I saw her, the first time we spoke, the first time we kissed. We're meant to be together. One day, it will happen, and when it does, it will be forever.  
  
Willow: "Oz, don't you love me?"  
Oz: "My whole life, I've never loved anything else."  
  
FIN  
  
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End file.
